The Premier League Team of Assholes

In our first ever guest post, Ritesh of The False 9 gives us a tactical analysis of the Premier League’s shittiest assholes.

We’ve all seen articles compiling “The Top Ten Players In The Premier League” or “The Best Ever Transfers In The Premier League.”

But with the Premier League asshole population at an all time high, we felt the responsibility to honour the loosest, shittiest assholes out there. Here is our Asshole XI:

Goalkeeper

David De Gea

When you’re earning shitloads of money, do you really deserve a free donut? Enough said.

Shit-O-Meter: 2/10 (He’s still young and learning.)

Honourable Mention: Wojciech Szczęsny, for making all football fans pronounce his name. Shit-O-Meter: 1/10 (He didn’t name himself)

Left Back

Ashley Cole

Had stiff competition from Patrice Evra, but is a class above the rest. And Mr. Evra, try taking a real gun to training and shoot Darren Gibson, I’ll pick you next year.

Shit-O-Meter: 8/10

Right Back

We couldn’t find anyone worthy, so:

Gary Neville

Can you please come back to do what you are good at? (Being an asshole.) At least people will be spared the trouble looking at your ugly face on TV if you join us here.

Shit-O-Meter: 6/10

Center Backs

John Terry

The captain of our glorious team. A source of inspiration to all others fucking dickheads worldwide. Leads by example, so what else do you need in a captain?

Shit-O-Meter: 11/10

Rio Ferdinand

For ruining twitter.

Shit-O-Meter: 5/10

Center Midifield

Frank Lampard

For scoring so many deflected goals for Chelsea. Every shot he takes manages to find the net via a number of deflections where as when playing for England all of his shots go to outer space. The one shot he did manage to hit on target for England was not given.

Shit-O-Meter: 3/10

Joey Barton

For quoting Nietzsche, Orwell, and Aristotle.

Shit-O-Meter: 7/10

Wingers

Nani

For having better acting skills than Robert Pattinson. [Ed. Note–Setting the bar a little low there don’t you think?] And also, better diving skills than the Chinese Olympic diving team.

Shit-O-Meter: 7/10

Luis Suarez

For having better acting skills than Nani.

Shit-O-Meter: 8/10

Forwards

Kevin Davies

Has more bookings than goals.

Shit-O-Meter: 5/10

Carlos Tevez

For making Mancini look like a saint.

Shit-O-Meter: 9.99/10

Honourable Mentions: Samir Nasri, Yaya Toure, Emmanuel Adebayor, and all other snood-wearing dickheads because they all wear snoods. You are excused if you managed to set your house on fire.