Match Review: FC Barcelona vs. AC Milan

A 2-2 draw. Barca had 75% of possession to Milan’s 25%. Let’s talk about this. Walk with me.

Pato scored in the 25^th second. Yeah, SECOND.

Pato is one of the paciest players in the game right now. It’s doubtful that any defenders could have caught him once he got through. And we are big fans of pace. His finish was immaculate as well. I’m drooling just thinking about it.

HOWEVER. Barcelona had Mascherano and Busquets at center back. Um, what? Look, I know Puyol and Pique were injured and should be back soon, but this was ridiculous. Neither Masche nor Busi are natural defenders, and they’re both slow as shit. To start them, in that position, against a team with Pato? What was Guardiola thinking?

The Golden Pep moves in mysterious ways.

The early goal really rattled the blaugranas. They were sloppy, anxious, desperate, it looked bad. Rhythm was totally off. Milan didn’t have as much possession but looked much more dangerous when they did, particularly when Pato had the ball—you got the sense that everyone in the Camp Nou suddenly clenched their assholes every time he came near it.

A bit later Abidal got the ball and had a great opportunity to counter on the break, but no one ran up with him in support…it was as if a voice in their heads had screamed NO! DIRTY DIRTY DIRTY!

Eventually Barca got back into their groove and comfortably dominated possession. Milan didn’t really try to take it from them, either. Defensively, they were exceptional, proving that you don’t need possession to control a game. You could teach a masterclass from their performance that night. I haven’t seen a more organized, disciplined, or effective defensive display since Inter’s famous performance there in 2010. If that’s anti-football, then fuck football. Honestly.

Speaking of masterclasses. Messi may be the best player in the world, but the best player at the Camp Nou on Tuesday night was one Alessandro Nesta, age 35.

Practically playing as a sweeper for most of the night, the old vet made perfectly timed tackle after perfectly timed tackle, crucial block after crucial block, always in exactly the right place at exactly the right time. Age before beauty, baby. Pearls before swine.

Van Bommel was there too, but he was quiet the whole game. The crowd didn’t like him very much either, I guess because of his antics in the World Cup final. Hey remember when MvB played for Barca? You know, in 2006? When they won the Champions League? He started in the final? Lol.

Anyway, Messi assisted Pedro for an equalizer, and Jesus Tittyfucking Christ what a run by Messi. I laughed so hard I cried, from sheer awe and disbelief. I mean it—I couldn’t believe it was physically possible to do what he did. But he did it. Seriously, it was a miracle.

Iniesta picked up a knock and got subbed off. Cesc Fabregas came on. It was almost poetic—the man who scored Spain’s World Cup-winning goal came off and the man who provided the assist for Spain’s World Cup-winning goal came on to take his place. Funny how the universe works sometimes.

Cesc fit right in. Guy looks like he’s been playing at Barca since he was…er…well…ten years old. Huh. Fancy that. Hate to say I told you so, but I fucking told you so. Dummies.

One thing I thought was interesting in Fabregas’s play was that he’s much more comfortable dinking/floating/chipping balls into the box. Xavi and Iniesta almost never do this, sticking stubbornly to ground balls. The first player who makes passes like Cesc’s that comes to mind is Xabi Alonso, formerly of Liverpool, and that makes me wonder if it’s something they had to get comfortable with because of the more direct and faster-paced style of play in England. Anyway I thought it was a neat observation.

Villa scored from a free kick early in the second half. It was a beautifully taken free kick. That’s all there is to say about it, really. Gorgeous and simple.

Milan still didn’t bother much with pressing or going forward, they were content to absorb everything Barca threw at them. A couple of times the commentators said that it must be hard for Milan to play like that, always chasing the ball around, but um, no? Barca were definitely working much harder than Milan. All that passing, all those little runs and triangles and 1-2-3s and interchanging positions…I’m tired just from typing about it. All the Italians had to do was keep their structure and stay alert. They did probably half as much running as the Catalans, if that. Keeping possession and controlling a game are not the same thing. Barca had the ball, but Milan was in charge.

There was a moment late on in the match when Ambrosini almost got carded for a foul on Pedro that I found really funny. They collided while jumping for a header if I remember right, and Pedro reacted in the Barca Way.

This wouldn’t have been special on its own, except that Ambrosini definitely looked the worse for wear after the collision. Pedro had fallen grabbing his face and once he got up he played with his ear a little bit—in the slowmo replay it looked like Ambrosini’s tricep hit the side of his head. Ambrosini, on the other hand, was hit full force in the ribs by Pedro’s shoulder. But Ambrosini, tough old bastard that he is, just got back up as soon as his breath returned, dusted himself off, and got on with it.

A lot of anti-diving/-playacting rhetoric focuses on masculinity and machismo and all that, calling dramatic fallers girly, pansies, pussies, just feminizing them in general, but that’s just plain inaccurate and kind of complimentary. I learned watching the Women’s World Cup that the ladies are much more resilient than the men. They would get up faster from taking harder hits, wasted less time, and barely dove at all. It was refreshing. And I realized—it’s not that divers aren’t real men, it’s that they’re not real adults. Grow up, kids. Get on with it.

But I digress. With 15 minutes or so left in the game, Puyol came on! YYYYAAAAAAAAAYYYYY PUYOL! Missed u buddy, + yr hair. But unfortunately for our favorite aging 80s hair metal drummer, he was not wearing plaid shorts. However, the sorrow and separation anxiety he must have felt were probably compensated by the fun of being on the field again, after spending most of last year injured. Xavi gave him back the captain’s armband and Barca’s defense suddenly got a whole lot sharper and better organized.

The game also got a lot scrappier and more physical once Puyol came on. All of a sudden it was very stop-start-stop-start, full of niggling fouls and such. I can only guess it was a strategic change Pep told Carles to implement. It didn’t do much good though, because Milan are much better at that “war of attrition” style of play than Barca.

In the closing minutes Milan opened up quite a bit and got more adventurous. This combined with Barca’s newly abrasive attitude meant the rossoneri creeped closer and closer to Barca’s goal, one free kick or throw in at a time, until eventually, practically at the death, they got a corner and Thiago Silva headed it in gorgeously, stealing a draw from the reigning champions on their home turf. It was stupendous.

I’m not sure the ref had even finished blowing the final whistle before the Barca anthem started playing (don’t remember if that’s just their official post-game anthem policy or not?), but at least the sprinklers didn’t go off.