Derby d’Italia: Juventus 2-0 AC Milan

Before you other blogger bitches even say anything, I know. Il Derby d’Italia is actually Juventus vs Inter Milan, not AC Milan. I know this, I just don’t care. Inter is in decline/crisis right now, whereas Milan has Ibrahimovich. It’s a no-brainer. The whole “Derby d’Italia” thing is just a made-up marketing ploy to sell match tickets and merchandise anyway.

So! These two faced off last weekend, that is the weekend before last, I mean the weekend the week before this latest weekend of international naptime snooze break. You know what I mean. Anyway, it happened. Juventus won 2-0 in their shiny awesome new stadium. It was a good game. Here’s what happened!

I watched the game and took screenshots as well as copious notes, but then I went home to visit my dog (and my parents too I guess). Not gonna lie, the dog did not eat my notes. But she did eat basically all my memories of the game and replaced them with her adorable big brown eyes, her floppy ears, warm soft fur, and slobbery face. I mean just look at this thing:

You try explaining the subtler aspects of samurai striker ponytails to that face! You can’t do it, no one can. Because she’s a dog. She doesn’t understand much more than simple commands, and babytalk. Isn’t that wight my wil doggie dogg doggy! Ruffruffruffruffruff! Good girl! I love you, dog.

ANYWAY, I also left my notepad with my copious notes at my parents’ house. So I’ve pretty much only got the pictures to work with. Let’s see what I can manage…

OH-OHHH! Pirloooooooo!!!! I miss seeing Pirlo in a Milan jersey, yall… <3 u Pirlo… unjustly cast aside by the club you took to two Champions League finals in three years, winning a World Cup for your country the year in between… oh Pirlo, you magnificent son of a bitch, I love you so. Juventus don’t even know how lucky they are to have u, boo… srsly <3 u so hard bro…

Ahem. Yes. As I was saying: l’Architetto is at Juventus now, so this match was no doubt bittersweet for him mostly on the bitter side, I mean come on he gave ten years of his life to Milan, all his best buds are still there except Kaka but he’s so Jesus-y, very not cool, not that loving Jesus isn’t cool it’s just like you know, Boy Scouts and altar boys can’t be too much fun to party with… not like Gattuso, Nesta, Seedorf and Inzaghi, nahmean? Moving on.

OK I know I know but seriously you guys Pirlo was and still is soooooo good. He owned that game. It seemed like every other touch of the ball was by Pirlo. To the bianconeri he was a universal passing outlet, always open in receiving passes and always effortless in delivering them. He made interceptions and tackles with such ease and grace it seemed like the rossoneri were just giving it to him, and I had a sneaking suspicion that that was in fact the case, with Milan players putting it in Pirlo‘s path unconsciously, from sheer muscle memory. The thought gave me goosebumps. And forget about keeping possession/controlling tempo. Il Metronomo never appeared to be under any sort of pressure even when getting closed down by three Milan players at once. I don’t recall him ever losing a ball or misplacing a pass. I said it in the picture but I’ll say it again: FUCK XAVI. #TeamPirlo

Milan’s midfield, by contrast, was woeful. Seedorf was pure class as per usual but he was well-marshaled by Juventus, marginalized out on the left. Gattuso was out injured, and in his place was his pale, empty shadow: Mark van Bommel. No beard no feared. Nocerino was not Ambrosini. Boateng was fresh back from injury and it’s likely he wasn’t 100% fit again, as he was clumsy and slow. Then again maybe he’s just progressing to the more advanced grade levels in the School of Ard (Lamp/Gerr), of which he is the most talented and successful alumnus.

Juventus were hella dangerous. All Milan could do was sit back and soak up pressure. They were hopelessly out-played in midfield, without Pato they lacked the necessary pace to pose a real threat on the counter, and without Aquilani to work with Seedorf and the forwards they lacked the creativity for a decent build-up. Eventually Vucinic, definitely one of Juve’s best attackers and for me personally the game’s MVP, got off a killer shot that Abbiati only just managed to nick onto the crossbar with his fingertips. It bounced back into play but Juve couldn’t take advantage of the rebound. The incumbent Serie A champions were already very much pushed up against the wall by the resurgent Turin outfit.

Ancient reliquary and most sacred of sacred cows Super Pippo Inzaghi was too olde and rickety to play, still not completely recovered from having had knee surgery or something roughly 3 years ago. All he could do was look on in pain and sorrow as his old friend and teammate helped his old club terrorize his current club. Still I made sure to keep close tabs on him in my peripheral vision, as the foreboding aura of a goal threat still radiated from the wily old poacher, strong and thick and pungent as ever.

Half time came and went, and six minutes after the break Gigi Buffon had to make his only save of the night, getting his fingertips to a dangerous scuffed cross/shot from Boateng. Funny story about Buffon: when the 2006 World Cup final happened I was visiting my uncle Matias in Chile. He was rooting for France (for their racial diversity–my dad’s side of the family has a strong postcolonialist streak) and when Buffon made THAT save he leapt up from his chair, threw his hands in the air, and screamed “PUTA MADRE, ESTABA ALLI!!!” It was one of the funniest things I’ve ever experienced in my entire life. I guess you had to be there.

The game went on, and it was pretty much all Juventus. The home crowd was LOVING it, and the players in turn were loving the love they were lovingly getting from the lovely home crowd. With Pirlo as their foundation, starting most of their attacks, the most dangerous players were Vucinic and Vidal. Why Chile make Vidal play as a centerback I’ll never know or understand. But anyway, at one point Thiago Silva had to clear a ball before a Juve forward got to it, but he cleared it directly into his teammate Alessandro Nesta’s face.

Ouch, bro. He was pretty dazed. About ten minutes or less later he had to come off.

Literally though. Do not go gently into that good night, sweet prince…

Cassano came off at some point too, earlier than Nesta I think. Which is a shame, because in the second half he was Milan’s trickiest and most dangerous player. Now that I remember, it was a great bit of play from him that led to Boateng’s scuffed scoring chance. :/

Continuing, after Cassano came off it was all up to Ibra, and he was not happy about it. Literally no one went forward to help the big Swede. Juventus are a really good team, and he’s just one man.

U mad…

Ten minutes later Seedorf and Pirlo fought an aerial battle for a high ball. Pirlo won it obvz no duh. Didn’t even have to use his head. It was the most poignant moment of the night.

I’m not crying, shut up.

Van Bommel [UPDATE: Boateng] got sent off with a second yellow when he grabbed for the ball after the ref had blown the whistle for an earlier foul he’d also committed. Why’s that a sending off, you don’t ask? Well, in grabbing for the ball MvB [UPDATE: KPB] also backhanded the Old Lady’s Giorgio Chiellini in the face, hitting him pretty hard actually.

Oh yeah, before that Juve had scored. It was Marchisio, but the build-up play of quick ping-ponged one-touch passes leading up to it involved Pirlo, Vidal, and lastly Vucinic, with Marchisio connecting them all during his threaded run. It was some impressive shit.

After the goal and the sending off the camera strangely and to my mind inexplicably cut to a rather close up shot of this suited man as he lit a cigarette.

Who is he?
Why is he making that face?
Doesn’t he realize that square end ties look stupid?
Does he care?
Is he hella chill, or just regular chill?
How does he get his cigarette to hang out of his mouth so loosely and casually?
Can he teach me how to do that, even though I don’t smoke?
Will he be my friend?
Will you be my friend?
What’s it like to have friends?

As I pondered these questions and more, the soccer game continued to unfold on the field.

Poor Abbiati. He’d made several great saves that game, particularly that extra superb one I screencapped earlier. But keepers are remembered for their great mistakes more than their great saves, unfortunately. In the last minute of injury time, a powerful shot from the lucky Marchisio slipped through the big goalie’s hands and in between his legs for the Old Lady’s second goal, killing the game for good.

AC Milan have suffered two deserved losses away to strong title contenders Napoli and Juventus, by 3-0 and 2-0 respectively. They have only won a single league game from their first five of the season. Juventus have won three of theirs, drawn two, and currently sit at the top of the table. Napoli are not far behind–in third and only separated by a point, having won three, drawn one, and lost one. With Juventus rejuvenated, Napoli retaining and even improving last season’s fine form, Inter flailing, and Milan stalling, Serie A looks more open than it has in many years. This is good for us but it kinda sucks for Massimiliano Allegri.

Sorry bro, c’est la vie. Shouldn’t have sold Pirlo.